Popcorn Universe Presents: How to Make a Christmas Wreath Without Setting Your House on Fire

Good afternoon, and welcome to Popcorn Universe's How to Make a Christmas Wreath Without Setting Your House on Fire Webinar.

Part 58.

An afternoon arts and crafts project turned into a lovely little photo essay, and below I will walk you through the 33 steps on how to build a gaudy Christmas wreath.

I suggest grabbing a diet soda and a sandwich.

This could take awhile.

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Tools of the Trade

This is an overall of what you will need for the project. To begin, let's look at the basics:

A. Gaudy Glitter Glue

The gaudiest, chintziest stuff on the market you can find. It's not for the wreath - it's to keep your daughter occupied while you build the wreath that she would otherwise turn into a frizbee.

B. Pretty Bows n' Trappings

Aww. Just makes you want to gag on a spoon, doesn't it? Any color, any size, any style will do...just pick what speaks to those purdy little eyeballs in yo scalp.

C. Something That Looks Like a Wreath

It may not have an exact aesthetically pleasing appearance, or it can look like a skink fell into a vat of green ink...in a blender, but hey, whatever works.

D. Big Ben's Bag of Burly Pine Cones

Again, to keep the wee one occupied.

E. TOOLS

My favorite part: TOOLS! LOTS OF TOOLS! THINGS THAT GO POKE AND SLICE AND DRIP WITH HOT GLUEY MATERIAL!!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

WoOt.

I digress.

So there are the things you will need to make yourself a pretty little holiday wreath. Just make sure the bows are not stained red with blood from the papercuts you get while opening the packaging. Now, we shall dive into the making of the wreath itself!

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HOW TO MAKE YOUR WREATH

Step 1: Keep your 3-year-old child from poking themselves with screwdrivers, burning themselves on hot glue or otherwise rendering themselves incapacitated by giving them a bag of pine cones to decorate with glitter glue. They will have fun for endless hours (or until you run out of pine cones, which ever comes first).

Step 2: Splay the wreath into a wreath-like form - even if you can tell it's just plastic shavings on a metal ring, you can still try to give it that Nature's goodness look. When you're finished, use it to frame your small fat child the same as you did with garbage can lids and your classmates at DINFOS!

Step 3: Do not turn on the hot glue gun until you know you will need it to avoid potentially burning down your house (unless you're into that pyro sort of thing).

Step 4: Wonder why the camera flash is putting out too much power and adjust accordingly.

Step 5: Continue splaying wreath branches at even intervals around the wreath itself.

Step 6: Pass another pine cone to your child before they throw the gluey ones at you. Realize idly that it's an hour past naptime.

Step 7: Recognize the fact that no matter how many times you tell your child not to glue the same spot religiously, they will do it.

Step 8: Add dingleberries and whatnot to your wreath. For this intended demonstration model I used cranberry berries. Repeat second part of step two if necessary.

Step 9: Realize that you should have been on shutter speed 10 the entire time instead of 25.

Step 10: Take a passing pot-shot of your house beast just to prove the point.

Step 11: With glowing anticipation, realize that this is the part where you get to play with something that can potentially electrocute you.

Step 12: Lick the battery to see if it works.

Step 13: Realize the batteries are not the proper size. If terribly upset, lick the battery again just to prove a point.

Step 14: Wrap the lights around the wreath, trying to make them as evenly spaced as possible.

Step 15: Marvel at the ever-growing pile of gluey pine cones on your table.

Step 16: Be thankful for your table cloth.

Step 17: Tie a pretty bow using the lacey ribbon you bought. Yes, YOU bought.

Step 18: Momentarily forget how to tie a Square Knot.

Step 19: Remember how to tie a Square Knot and try to implement this while tying the bow.

Step 20: Realize that the bow you just tied would never pass boot camp inspection.

Step 21: Recognize the fact that the reason you can't tie a pretty bow is because you're a sailor and you were trained how to tie knots. Tie a Maybe Knot and stick a pretty bow over it to hide your epic failure.

Step 22: Make a daisy-chain with the leftover ribbon material. Fake out on deck as necessary in case you need to rescue the cat.

Step 23: Yep. Still growing.

Step 24: Wipe a glob of glue off your camera lens just to prove a point.

Step 25: Realize with horror that you have completely forgotten how to take nice pictures. Think of Stephen Woolverton's reaction and bow your head in shame.

Step 26: Just kidding.

Step 27: Add a few more pretty bows to your wreath, forcing back the up-chuck as you do so.

Step 28: Marvel at your finished product and the fact that your house is still standing.

Step 29: Hang your wreath in a common area for passing people to stop and gawk at.

Step 30: Ponder what it may have looked like all lit up, if you had thought to check what size battery the lights required.

Step 31: Shrug and say you'll get them tomorrow.

Step 32: Go back inside your house and clean up the mess you made. Consider tactfully throwing out all the gluey pine cones during naptime, then reconsider.

Step 33: Give praise and thanks to your higher conciousness for having the responsible idea to shop at a dollar store, where everything you wasted (i.e., the hot glue you never used, etc), was only 99 cents.

And there you have it!

That's all for now, folks! Join us next week for our webinar entitled: How to Bake Peanut Butter Cookies Without Single-Handedly Launching a Missile.

Cheers!